Prom is such a special activity for high schoolers. As a therapist to many teenagers I hear a variety of stories about #promposals, searches for dresses, and all of the other excitement and anxiety associated with the big day. After a prom this weekend I asked a particular client “Did you have a great time?” Her response saddened and disappointed me. “Yes, but after prom [Michael] told me he loved me and when I told him that I didn’t feel the same way he said many hurtful things to me and now he’s not my friend anymore.”
Working with this adolescent for many years I have seen her face many challenges when it comes to her own emotional regulation and search for belonging with an adaptive group of friends. This year she really turned some major corners when it came to maturity, responsibility, and involvement in her school. I have been so pleased to see her get more involved in school activities and find some healthy, supportive peers. She was so thrilled as an underclassman to be invited to prom by a senior friend and to go with a group of friends that were not exclusively couples but rather just a peer group hanging out together.
To hear the time and effort she invested in this “night of a lifetime” be crushed by the words “Slut” and “Whore” after her date’s love confession was not reciprocated was truly heartbreaking. In the wake of Elliott Rodger’s UCSB massacre last week, this smaller, yet still significant act, got me thinking about the debates about mental illness, misogyny, and gun control.
Briallen Hopper wrote a blog for The Huffington Post on this topic today, “Guns vs. Misogyny vs. Mental Illness: A False Choice.” Frustrated by commentators on the topics of guns, misogyny and mental illness she states simply “Why are all these important political issues being pitted against each other? Clearly people who care about making the world safer and better need to care about all of them.”
In the case of the young lady I meet with, I had to consider the mental health consequences for the female victims as well. Already diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, and a history of Anorexia and cutting, this particular young woman is incredibly vulnerable to risks like suicide, that her date likely has no awareness of, nor ability to comprehend. Here we are – at the intersection of social and mental health issues. This girl with improved skills at communicating her feelings and needs to others had inadvertently tripped a wire that triggered rage in her date. Whether his reaction stemmed from his sense of entitlement, his fantasies, the heightened pressure associated with an elaborate promposal, or his own mental health issues, the after effect left two fairly sweet, normal looking kids pretty devastated. Promposals, the act of inviting someone to prom in some viral-clip worthy fashion such as with props, roses, balloons, even a dance mob, add to pressure and expectations. “As promposals have become more elaborate and public, so, too, does the potential for increased humiliation and social pressure,” said Jarrod Chin, director of training and curriculum of Northeastern University Sport in Society in an article by Emanuella Grinberg for CNN.
At times after massacres the problems seem so big, parents ask, “what can we even do?” Trying to take on gun control, mental health reform, and misogyny is way too tall of an order for a typical suburban family. Although mental health treatment isn’t a cure-all, Elliott Rodger himself was, in fact, in treatment, psychotherapy can teach skills that may help young people improve how they think and thus respond to rejection. Using techniques derived from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or Narrative Therapy you can teach your children how to replace maladaptive thoughts with a healthier narrative. For example a negative thought by the young man mentioned above may be “If she doesn’t love me no one will ever love me” or “She should love me, look at all I’ve done for her.” It takes 5 positive, adaptive alternatives to rewrite a negative narrative. Help your child to generate some other realistic alternatives:
- “She does want to be my friend,”
- “She is younger than me and may not be ready for a romantic love relationship,”
- “It’s normal if some of the people we like do not always like us back,”
- “Prom is a very special night in high school but in real life there are many more special experiences yet to happen down the road,”
- “I may have caught her off guard and she didn’t know how to respond, in the future we could try to talk about expectations in advance,”
If your child is the young lady in this example she may come home with her own set of negative thoughts like “Nothing good ever happens to me,” or “Everyone turns on me.” Some alternatives may be:
- “I did the right thing by communicating my feelings calmly and politely,”
- “In the future I can try to make my feelings more clear from the beginning,”
- “My friends understand my feelings,”
- “It’s ok that he felt hurt or bad but it’s not OK for him to physically or verbally hurt me,”
- “If I feel that this is bullying I can take action with the school.”
If your child has trouble generating or accepting alternative ways of looking at the situation, has history of mental illness like depression or anxiety, or seems excessively angry or aggressive, he or she may benefit from speaking to a therapist. Birmingham Maple Clinic has expertly trained therapists to address a variety of mental health and relationship issues. To schedule an appointment with a therapist at Birmingham Maple Clinic at (248) 646-6659 or by visiting www.birminghammaple.com
References:
Grinberg, Emanuella “Promposal pressure is intense for teens.” CNN. http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/01/living/promposal-pressure-proms/ May 1, 2014.
Hopper, Briallen. “Guns vs. Misogyny vs. Mental Illness: A False Choice.” The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/briallen-hopper/guns-vs-misogyny-vs-menta_b_5432812.html. June 3, 2014.